Squinty Eyes
Dogs can be pretty expressive. Our rescue mutt, Kobe, has quite the personality and way of showing his feelings. He can convey when he’s hungry, which is seemingly every hour of the day, when he’s cold, when he wants to play, and when he’s ready for another nap. He is amazingly loyal and if left alone he usually greets his family at the top of the stair with a vigorous tail wag and groans of joy.
But there are times that he greets his family with a different expression. Gone is the rapid tail thump, replaced by a tail “wiggle”. Instead of standing tall at the top of the stairs he gently sits in the center of the living room. His eyelids appear to weigh a massive amount of weight because his eyes are tiny slits in his sullen, drooping head. It’s the opposite of an eager homecoming of joy and jubilation. The dance of joy is replaced by the sullenness of shame.
Kobe is not a perfect dog. But what canine is? He was a rescue and the term “hot mess” would be an accurate way to describe the first few months with him. His first night at our house I found him headfirst in the trash can at 2am. He was anxious, athletic, and energetic…which sounds wonderful as a dog for me but we ran so much together that I was doubting my own ability to keep up with this dog. We logged many, many miles together in an effort to bond and forge a healthy relationship.
Kobe’s first year is a mystery but judging by his response to the times he knows he messes up I’m sure there was plenty of abusive “correction” in his life. His “squinty eyes” and body language tell that story! The shame he feels is palpable and quite honestly, it’s debilitating. He can’t move on until he’s talked down off the shame ledge. He had a nervous energy when we adopted him and I’m sure it stemmed from many hours alone and the shame cast on him with his “not so endearing” actions.
Part of dealing with a dog with a mystery past is to let them know it’s going to be ok. We learned that it’s good to show Kobe what he did wrong but that there will be food in his bowl, a walk up the road, and a spot on our bed later. We want him to make good decisions but those stem from him knowing, and believing, that he will always be a part of his forever family. His actions are forgiven and he can start over without shame. His eyes start to open and his head rises when he realizes that. The burden of shame is heavy when you’re a rescue dog with baggage!
You would think that after hanging his head and squinting his eyes so many times he would stop tearing open cookie jars, flipping crock pots, and cruising counters. But the best way to combat his behavior is not to constantly chastise him for it; it’s to not place him in the situation to begin with. We found was that he simply wanted to be with us. He wanted to be understood. The feeling of separation lead to not-so-endearing behavior and that lead to shame and squinty eyes. So Kobe has become quite the traveler. He’s along for the ride nearly every time the key is turned in our vehicles. The potential for shame evaporates when he spends time with his dog dad or the rest of his family. When he’s along squinty eyes are the furthest thing from his mind. Shame? That’s in the rearview mirror my friend! When he is included and part of the group he is living his best life; even if it’s just me and him on our way back from dropping the boys off at school. The presence of a loving figure, a gentle hand of correction, and inclusion into a family has made squinty eyes far less frequent. He’s a work in progress and we love him for that!
Kobe is a 4-legged creature but I understand where he is coming from. I see, and have felt, that situation of squinty eyes in our world! There is a big burden of shame cast on all of us for a variety of reasons. When I think about my own shame burdens it ranges from the rather silly (you drive that vehicle?!) to the heart-wrenching (you are so disappointing!). I would think that shame has hit us all from not voting for the “right” person, supporting a popular cause, shopping at the “right” store, or curating the trendy image for all to see. It’s even more disappointing when we feel the shame come from places we think should be helpful! Kobe wanted to please that first owner but it never happened; thank goodness he ended up getting to us instead!
Through all of our eye squinting I think Kobe found something to help lift his eyelids, his head, and his spirits. He didn’t stop his less-than-stellar behavior, at least not all at once. But once he had that daily activity with me, and a steady diet of lovin’ from his family, he found more peace in being Kobe and not that unattainable expectation of his first owner.
Kobe would tell you that overcoming shame has everything to do with who you spend time with. I think the same goes for us! I would encourage you to let God speak to and through you. Spend time with Him. In that relationship we can hear our value and sense our place. We can be understood and encouraged. We learn, and feel, a sense of what’s good for us and what’s not. It’s painful to recognize where we fall short but humbling to know our place is not dependent on our perfection! When we spend time with Him we enter a love relationship where the world’s judgement is cast aside and a deep-rooted place of peace starts to grow and grow. We can’t please all of the people all of the time, but we do gain a sense of our purpose and the peace to live in that, even among the rejection and shame cast on us by the world we live in.
Kobe is a loveable mess. But he’s not all that different than all of us. May our squinty eyes be opened!
